2011 NBA Playoffs Second Round Matchup: Boston Celtics vs. Miami Heat

Recently, we paid a sort of tribute to the Boston Celtics for their quite decisive victory over PeekYou’s hometown team, the New York Knickerbockers Basketball Club. While we sure as heck are through with the colloquially named “Knicks,” as we are not the sorts to truck with losers, we are not, as it turns out, through with the Celtics. Boston’s beloved basketball club (beloved by Bostonians, and presumably their mothers, in any event) find themselves facing a contest – conveniently, given their backgrounds, a contest of basketball ability – against the Miami Heat. The Heat are, as countless hack sportwriters have pointed out, “on fire,” and “red hot,” and “blazing,” and “spicier than a very spicy pepper, like say, for example, one of those ghost peppers, which I think I saw mentioned on the Food Network, which are supposed to be, like, really, really, crazy hot.” The gist of all these poetics being that, generally speaking, the Heat are delivering on the promise brazenly emblazoned across their jerseys.

This series of games is eagerly anticipated by those who anticipate such things, and the speculation runs rampant among these sorts. Now, we could join these anxious ranks and prattle on endlessly over what may come to pass. We could sit around and debate the relative merits of the Heat’s celebrated, youthful “Big 3″ (Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh) vs. the Celtics own aging “Big 3,” of likely future Hall of Famers (Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen). We could toss around the basketball stats, and we could holler ourselves hoarse, bickering into the wee hours over who is “better at basketball.” We could do all sorts of things. Where, though, would any of that get us?

So far as we’re concerned, the games are an afterthought. No speculation necessary, as PeekYou has already determined – within a statistically insignificant margin of error – the series’ certain victor. So confident are we in our results here, we view the games themselves as little more than a needless exhibition of hoopla, and one decidedly redundant. Stay home, fellas, PeekYou’s got this one. We have hard science on our side. There’s no guesswork needed, no amateur soothsayers, nor armchair sports analysts need speak up.

Here we present the Heat’s and the Celtic’s stars, ranked according to their PeekScores. While from these lists we can determine the merits of each player individually, for our purposes here we suggest you observe each team as a whole. We’d never encourage our readership to partake of games of chance, as we are not a company of vice but one of virtue. If you were to, however, acting entirely on your own agency, place a gentleman’s (or lady’s) wager based upon the outcome of the below showdown – meaning, a simple handshake venture, entered into between yourself and a trusted colleague, where not one red cent and only a modicum of pride is at stake – you might be finding yourself feeling pretty darned gentlemanly indeed, when all is said and done.

Fine then. Enough dilly-dallying. On to the basketball.

To start, the Miami Heat…

Picture Name Bio PeekScore

LeBron James With too many accolades to pick just one, James has – not without some well publicized controversy – been with the Heat since 2010.

Dwayne Wade Sports Illustrated‘s Sportsman of the Year in 2006, Wade has been with the Heat since 2003.

Mario Chalmers Voted Most Outstanding Player of the 2008 NCAA Championship, Chalmers has been with the Heat since 2008.

Chris Bosh A five-time NBA All-Star, Bosh has been with the Heat since 2010.

Eddie House A former ASU star, House has been with the Heat, for his second tenure with them (having played for them from 2000-2003) since 2010.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas A two-time NBA All-Star, Ilgauskas has been with the Heat since 2010.

All in all a very respectable showing from the Heat. The Big 3 have brought with them big scores, as expected, and have handily carried the Heat through to an overall strong demonstration of digital might.

Will champagne corks be heard popping throughout South Beach tonight? Well, very possibly. But not necessarily because of this. Let’s see how the Celtics fare…

Picture Name Bio PeekScore

Shaquille O’Neal 39 year old star of Kazaam, O’Neal’s been with the Celtics since 2010.

Paul Pierce Pierce is a nine time All-Star, and has been with the Celtics for the entirety of his 13 year career.

Rajon Rondo Voted to the NBA All-Defensive Team the past two years, Rondo has been with the Celtics since 2006.

Kevin Garnett NBA Defensive Player of the Year in the 2007-2008 season, Garnett has been with the Celtics since 2007.

Ray Allen Ten time All-Star, and He Got Game co-star, Allen has been with the Celtics since 2007.

Glen Davis A former LSU star, Davis has been with the Celtics since 2007.

As is plainly clear, the Celtics have emerged victorious. From this you can extrapolate points spreads, how many games the series will run, and whatever other, more granular, results you desire. I’m afraid we can’t hold your hand through all of the math, and besides, where would be the fun in that?

In the interest of full disclosure, it should be noted that PeekYou’s CEO is a Boston Celtics fan. This fact in no way influenced this honest and fair battle, nor the conclusions drawn from its outcome. Additionally, this entry was not written under duress nor threat of termination. We just report them as we find them.